2.20.2012

mix in a little love









I wanted to share a transformation that I noticed tonight during breathwork {lead by the amazing Marlize}. 
I know this is a long post, but I have to tell a little of my history to explain why it was such a huge shift. 

I have had anxiety in my life for many years, I actually remember being a kid (like third grade) making myself ill with worry, mostly about any kind of testing. But it showed up strongest in my early twenties and has come and gone in varying degrees since then. It was the worst the five and a half years my mum was ill. That constant fear of not knowing when she would die, and how I would ever be able to handle it. What it comes down to most of the time is the fear of the unknown. Now that my biggest fear has happened, and I am still here, I feel like I have residual anxiety. But now it doesn't feel like it is mine, if that makes any sense. I really have very little in my life to be anxious about now. Sure, I worry hear and there {more than I should really}, and have learned to manage my stress better, but over the past six or so months the anxiety really feels less and less like mine. And I think about why I still feel it.

I think about why I still need it, why am I holding on to it. I know that I sometimes use fear to not be present, and I am trying to be more aware of that. Sometimes I wonder if my empathic nature causes me to soak up the stress and anxiety around me. And while I think that is all true, and I am getting better about not doing that, and I think there is more to it. Lately I have been feeling like it is something that has been passed down through my lineage, something I am holding on to for my family {one of my favorite birds, a mourning dove, just flew up to my window, letting me know this is true}. And through all the breathwork I have been trying to heal that part of myself that is holding on to it, and working to let it all go.

Last August, in the Healer Training 1 I had asked a question about my anxiety, knowing that it was here to teach me something, and that I wanted to move through it. David said to me that there isn't much of a difference between anxiety and excitement, and to try to mix a little love into the dark emotion to get a lighter one. A light bulb went off for me! Intellectually, I totally got this idea. That love mixed with anxiety created excitement and heightened your senses. Love mixed with grief created a greater sense of compassion and empathy. Love mixed with anger created passion. You can go on and on like this. But it wasn't until tonight that I really felt this in my heart. 

Before we started doing the breathwork, Marlize asked us to write down a list of twenty things we wanted to do in our lives that were just for us. Things that would make us happy, things we could do this week, this year, or in ten years. She had us read a few aloud, so that we had witnesses for our intentions and goals. And one of my things was that I really wanted to work with kids who have cancer or who have lost a parent because of cancer. This is something I want to do with all my heart but that I have been so fearful about, and fear has been keeping me from doing it. Mostly because I know it will be so emotional, and hard. But my heart knows it would be incredibly healing for me. 

So, I laid down and started to do the breath, and something magical happened. All the work I have been doing, and the love I have been sending myself, transformed this fear into excitement! For the first time I literally felt excited and uncontrollably giddy about what lies ahead! The unknown! I can finally start to trust that life is going to be amazing, no matter what, and be excited for all that is coming my way.




I wanted to share this in the spirit of marking this transformation.
I have said this before here, but I will say it again, having a witness makes everything more powerful. 
So, thank you all of being a witness to my voice and my experience. 
I am forever grateful.












forgive me, i have no idea where i pulled this photo from. sorry.

6 comments:

  1. This is beautiful, Lauren! I am so happy for you to find this excitement and hope. Sending so much love to you. XOXO

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  2. blessings to you. this was lovely to read, i understand the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and thinking of it with love was a totally new concept for me. :)

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  3. what an exciting moment in your life! Such a beautiful and honest post.

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  4. oh wow - this is a beautiful peek in, so honest and hopeful. you are a true light.

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  5. Lauren that was so beautiful and clear... I really understand the idea of transforming anxiety and nervousness into excitement but didn't see it as clearly when it comes to anger and sadness, so, thank you for writing that!!!!!
    I'm so excited for you xoxoxo Tiny D

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  6. thank you everyone for writing such supportive and sweet comments. it still makes me slightly uncomfortable to share this personal writing, but i know i need to, and that it is important for me to share my voice! so thank you for embracing it and being so supportive! it means so much to me!
    after all, sharing is caring! ; )
    love, L

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