I wanted to share a small act of bravery.
I was recently talking with my friend Ann about... well... life, and out of the blue she says, "I think you should try going a whole week where you just say 'fuck it!'"
There is a certain liberation that comes from not caring what others think. And I think all of us have varying degrees of this in varying situations, at varying times in our lives. But, when we can say, "fuck it, I don't care what people think" we give ourselves permission to be who we really are and experience such freedom in those moments. I have to say this is difficult for me sometimes, the worrier/perfectionist/caretaker/peacemaker comes out in me and fights to hang on. Which I think is exactly why Ann suggested this challenge to me in the first place.
Now, on to the point of all this...
I don't fancy myself a singer. It's something I take great pleasure in doing when I am alone, and it's something I always wish I was better at. But, by no stretch of the imagination do I think I am good at it. It is precisely why I admire those who can sing so much. I remember a conversation I also had with Ann a long time ago about singing (she is a wonderful singer). I said to her, "Oh! I can't sing." And she laughed and said to me, "Of course you can sing! It's like people who say, 'oh no... I can't draw'. Everyone can draw." And she's right... I can sing, not very well... but I can sing.
And, on my weekly Writers Call on Monday night I decided to sing! The words shocked me as I told the group that's what I would be doing this week instead of reading. But, I thought, "fuck it! I want to sing, so I'm going to sing." I sang a song that I have been singing every day for the last few weeks: while I'm in the shower, doing the dishes, cooking, driving... everywhere. I can't stop singing it, I don't know why. So, I sang it. It felt amazing and liberating to give myself permission to do something I was afraid to do, to show a part of myself that wasn't perfect, but was honest. To sing, and not judge it for not sounding how I wished it would, but to just love it for an act of expression, and bravery.
photo by Imogen Cunningham via Viva Voce