5.12.2014

mum's









I have been thinking a lot about moms lately. It's a topic I think a lot about in general. But, these last few weeks I have been missing my mum more than usual, a deeper layer of grief is surfacing. And Mother's Day is always mixed with emotions as I feel I am in the middle of both missing my own mother and wanting so much myself to be a mother. Last night I lead meditation with the topic of connection, talking about our linage and what has been passed down to us through generations. Thinking about how our souls choose our families, and how in so many ways they are our biggest teachers. I think about all of this a lot in relationship to my mum and the women in my family. There is something really strong about this connection that goes back in time, and I really feel that in this life I am healing so much for myself, and for them, and for generations to come. Something profound is shifting. 
Anyway - yesterday I sat down to write to my mum a little bit of what I have been feeling, and it has been SO long since I shared any personal writing here, I thought I would do so. 




Memories I am happy to have of you   
Laughing with you, we used to laugh so much together.
The feeling of your skin, as it turned gritty and waxy in the days before you died. 
The smell of your studio, of things I don’t know, of waxes and buffer compounds, of metal being heated and polished.
The sounds of your sighs.
Singing to you in your last hours.
How you used to hunched your shoulders up in the cutest way when you were cold.
Standing in your closet.
Conversations that I can’t remember, but whose outcomes and lessons live on inside me.

Memories I wish I had with you 
You telling me more about my birth.
You teaching me how to really master your English muffin bread recipe.
You getting to meet my husband-to-be for the first time, and knowing what you thought of him.
Telling you I am pregnant and that it’s a girl, and seeing you hold her for the first time. 
Calling you many times a day to ask you if I should use cloth diapers or not, advice on how to get her to stop crying and how to treat her ear infection.
Learning how to host two families for Thanksgiving, and cook everything in the perfect timing so it all comes out ready to go on the table at the same time.
Your advice and encouragement about being an artist and trying to make a living from it.
Getting to travel to Santa Fe with you.






If you would like to read older posts where I have shared and written about the women in my family you can do so here... 
my Mum, there are so many but here are two of my favorites: writing about the home I grew up in, and selling that house
Nana, my Mum's mum, her books, and sketches
My grandmother Audrey, her closet, and her travels








I Wish I Had A River To Skate Away On, 2011, watercolor
this painting is one i did for my thesis show in grad school
it's of my mum and me


8 comments:

  1. Lauren this is so incredibly beautiful and honest. You are such a treasure. Your writing brought many tears to my eyes. When I read your posts about your Mom and your list of memories with her I can feel so much light in my heart. The connection between you two is very strong. Healing yourself and them and future generations in your family resonates deeply with me. I fully believe I am healing my parents through the work I do, not fully or completely but in the areas that are calling me now. I am also making big moves towards releasing some of our past because I don't want to pass it on. Getting to know you and witnessing your process and healing is having a profound impact on my life. Thank you for being brave and sharing such tender moments and thoughts with us. Lots of love to you. xoashley

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    1. thank you so much Ashley! my new connection with you has meant so much to me too.
      i applaud you in all the work you are doing to heal and release wounds and old ways that no longer serve you. our parents are all so amazing, they have shaped so much of who we are, for better and worse. and i do think that when we reach a certain age it's good to look at our connection to them, and to decide what no longer serves us. it's profound and deep work. and it's at times very difficult! but so important! it's wonderful that you are on that amazing journey.
      thank you for your kind words and support and love,
      L
      xx

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  2. Lauren,

    I love you. Here I sit feeling so much of what you described in a comment to me when last I wrote .... being moved to feel my own experience more through yours... feeling something about my own mom's death that I haven't dealt with until this week in reading this (and as C is home now for his uncle's last few days) and reckoning with some of the regrets and also things I'm grateful for. Mother's Day was weird this year... so much so, i want a do over. writing a letter like this to my mom will be part of it. Lauren, you're going to be such an amazing mother. Here is what I know - giving to your children on a daily basis the love, nurturing, inspiration, and wisdom you give to the world already (all you are building now) ... they'll be the most rewarding people to know (and be)....lineage perfected. And you will grow to know more and more of your mother through parenting, too. I often think about how much more of my mom I will discover as I get further into my journey... all the little bits she's left in me for me to unpack and integrate. I wish I could call her, of course, and often want to when something clicks, when I finally understand something new about her or about our connection. such a circle. Thank you for sharing this beautiful part of yourself.....for all you do....such a gift. xo

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    1. ooooh, dear Kristen...

      this means the world to me... i do feel like we are so connected and i am so grateful for that.
      what you wrote to me about my experience of my mum through my experience of BEING a mother was something i had never thought of!! it makes me all the more excited. and thank you for your kind words about my future roll as a mother, it brought me to tears.
      it's funny, i was just have a conversation with my good friend Ann, whose mother also died, talking about the things we have only been able to learn from them after their deaths. there were so many things that i never would have known about my mum, or myself really, had she not died. and that is such a bittersweet thing to realize. and now i get to look forward to yet a deeper layer of that when i become a mum some day. :) thank you for that awareness, it's such a gift.

      thank you for holding energetic space for me to share
      lots of love, L
      xx

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    2. also, Kristen, i had this thought yesterday, that maybe unconsciously part of the reason i am so longing to have a family lately and be a mother is to connect with my mum in a deeper way, and that maybe she is wishing for that too.

      xx

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  3. Lauren,
    The painting you did is just amazing...the details. Isn't there something so true about feet; the way they carry us through our lives? What a beautiful intimate depiction you created that shows you two lying together in this life, free from any pressure; light. So, beautiful!

    I read something the other day, "Learn from the River how it moves on without ever letting go..." ?? Wish I could remember exactly but it really resonated...Thanks for the beautiful post, as always xx

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    1. hello.

      thank you for leaving this beautiful comment. and your kind words.
      what you shared about the river has really stayed with me. it rings so true. and is so beautiful. so wise. thank you for that gift.

      L
      x

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    2. ps - if you find the quote or where it came from please let me know.

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